Still small voice

Haven't exactly been faithful to this blog. LOL I have so many interests it's really hard to find time to do all I want to learn and do. Lately I've been really going for my singing. It started a few years ago when I was asked to lead music at a local church. I started getting interested in singing better. So naturally I started trying to sing worship music better. Which was really discouraging... First I really dislike most christian music.

I grew up with a weird mix of music but the men I listened to sounded like the men I grew up with big deep voices. My male influences I love love love Johnny Cash and Waylon(He sounds so much like my dad which is why I think I first started loving him.) and a lot of old blues. Female ,love singers like Etta James, Ella Fitzgerald etc... Since this music is black and white to Christian music, I've never acquired a taste for the voices in most christian music. Then style and lyrics I find most christian music pretty much the same thing over and over. The bible is a lot more then same subject beat over and over so why can't they write songs with more depth? There is all kinds of human experiences in there even sex so why don't we sing about all those different experiences?





I'm sure I'm offending people here but we are all entitled to our opinions right and this is just my opinion. I'll never forget how offended someone once was when I said most christian music sounds like the men have their pants on too tight,like I had said something sacrilegious or something. It's an opinion you can like that stuff, I find I have a heavy aversion to it.



I think part of my deep deep aversion is I was told early in my christian walk that Christians should only listen to christian music and there is soooo much christian music you can find something you like. This was said in the late 80 and 90's when there really wasn't a lot of variety and most of sounded like it went through some kind of Sneetch machine, still does. Now in fairness there is are some new artists that are coming out with more creative stuff. I find sometimes I will like some music if I can find the acoustic version of it before they add in all the elevator music effects. (Can you tell how much I "love" Christian music.) Anyway I swallowed that conviction before I looked at what I was eating and it caused me just to stop listening to music for years and years.

Which if you knew me ,really knew me it would be a red flag, a huge red flag. I've always been consumed by music. One of the first things my Dad mentioned upon first meeting my husband was how I was always singing as a child. I had music on 24/7. My kids are amazed at how many songs I know all the lyrics too. Chris laughed because he said I still sing ALL the time. So it's pretty sad that I disliked the music so much I just stopped listening to music,stopped singing for a while.

Then we started going to a church where things are not laid out in rules and boxes. Things were thought through and tested not just labeled. It cracks me up how people will watch things or do things I would never do but then they look down on my music. It's like it's an American Christian rule that thou shalt not listen to anything that isn't labeled christian. The ironic thing is I am actually more inspired towards meditating on God by music that isn't specify Christian. I can tell you I cried an entire summer over adele's make you feel my love because it just spoke so deeply to me of what God says he feels about me. Obviously other people related because when I sang it at church, talking about how it made me feel,there were a lot of eyes that didn't say dry. My favorite "worship" song right now is a love song. It perfectly fits how I feel about my relationship with God him/me and me/him.

So I started out trying to improve by singing worship music. I grew pretty quickly discouraged. It felt like I was forcing myself to eat vegetables all the time. Then I didn't care at all for how I sounded singing them either. It's funny leading music for church was kind of a weird thing. I still can't decide if I liked it or hated it. I hate being in the lime light with a passion,I think I almost got an ulcer that year. I did it because I felt God was asking me to do it. I felt so deeply that I wanted people to really worship. I knew I needed that deeply for refreshing and wanted to bring that to other people more deeply. I've only seen a couple of Cape Cod churches that people really get into the worshiping. I know people will take issue with this but part of it was the skill of the people leading. Just like good preaching it's always truth, but when you get someone who can connect with people it makes a huge difference in receiving. I also think people have to be taught to worship both by modeling and teaching. Do I think that it means that it has to be a certain kind of music or a high level of musical skill ,nope. Does it have to be a certain style yea in part I would. Which is why I think a service should be a bit of a mix so it's accessible to more people.

I started doing a lot of research when I was leading. It was interesting. I can see why people go to school to become worship leaders. Some people have a natural gift for leading worship but I also think it's a skill that you can learn. I get WAY more of the music then I do out of a sermon. Bible studies well that is the best food. I think the number one thing is be a worshiper yourself. It's not a performance but a ministry.

Of course that can be misleading sometimes. I was accused of making it a performance once when really all I was doing was giving it my all. Anyone who really knew me would never accuse me of that I'm so insecure about my singing. I know another worship leader accused of the same thing but I know him and it wasn't a performance. He just has a different style that they can not connect with. A friend of mine just happened to see the same worship leader doing a service on the beach and was blown away at how "real" he was. LOL !You can't connect with with all people all the time.

For instance the church we currently are attending the pastor's sermons really speak to Chris and I, our old church not so much. He gave great sermons,he was funny,personable we love the guy(whole family is tops!!) but we just didn't receive it as much a style thing. My teenagers could never connect with the our current church's preaching but they felt our old church really did. So they are old enough that we have decided to allow them to attend the old church. Their bible studies on the other hand completely revolutionized our lives. I could go on and on about why I love them. Number one though it's because they don't talk really at all but rather ask and get you thinking. It's really cool to see the bible from a lot of different people's perspectives it's easier to see how much bigger God is through that.

I think it's important to have good doctrine,connection with the style of teaching ,worship and fellowship. If you are very very blessed you will get all three. We're still in the middle of deciding what is most important to us(We don't feel God leading one way or the other ,wish we did.). In our dreams, we wish we could blend two churches LOL! Both awesome for different reasons,we're greedy enough to wish we could blend them. Which ever one we finally end up at we're going to miss the other terribly. We're taking such a long time because for us the decision will be like marriage we're going to stick to it,make a long term commitment. I'm kind of getting itchy to decide but since Chris is leaving it up to me,it's scary too. He doesn't want to force it because it's an important decision.

Back to the music ,I've started really working on my music last few months and I'm making some progress. Chris paid for a few voice lessons back when I was asked to lead. Over all I didn't really find them helpful but he did tell me I have a huge range I just had to learn to relax and access it. Being nervous can wreck havoc on your singing. I remember being put on the spot to hear a key normally I 'm really good (sure boosted my confidence when I could hear a key over trained musicians) but for some reason that time I couldn't hear it. My teacher said it was nerves, pure nerves I have to learn to drown out everyone but the music.

Anyway when we did scales I could sing lower then most men and hit all those high notes. Problem was I was told by laymen I couldn't sing high so super insecure me when I went for those notes when I was singing I would choke. Well I've been working on it and I'm starting to relax and access them more and more it's sooooo much fun! Now to work on doing it in front of people....
I going back to working on guitar. I started learning years ago in one of the bands I was in. Band didn't work out and it's a shame I didn't keep at it. I also started learning piano because we were leading a large children's church but again when we stopped I stopped. Stupid girl!

I thought if I can learn a few songs I might try doing one of the many open mike nights that are available on Cape. The kids do those and it's been a gentle way of getting over stage fright.

So super long post sorry... Music is my passion always has been it's just been tough over the years allowing myself to see what God would have me do. To have confidence in what he has placed in my heart vs anything people would tell me.
Doubt who you will but never yourself Christian n Bovee
No matter how people want to bend things,box them etc... God puts things on your heart for a reason,trust it. I've had to learn to hear his voice because it's a still small voice under the din of all the other voices.

A Still Small Voice

And he [the Lord] said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord. And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind and earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake:
And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.

-- I Kings 19: 11-12 (KJV)

I saw this interview a while ago I wish I could find it. It was Julie and Angus Stone talking about their life and music, it really touched me how supportive the people around them were of their dreams. I have had some of this I have to say Chris and the kids are amazing. I hope if you don't have this kind of support you become your own best supporter. The world will not be quite the same without, what you have to offer it.

cozy

I'm not great with the blog posting. I've been meaning to for weeks and you know...
We've been having a lovely holiday season. I think seeing these seasons through my children's eyes helps me through the winter. Nadia actually looks forward to winter. I can't agree I'm much more of summer outside person. She says she always feels so cozy during the winter season. She says it's all the things I do around the house that makes it feel that way and just slowing down.

So you ask how do we try to do to keep it cozy? Well I start the day lighting candles it seems to help when your coming down to darkness and cold in the morning. We feed the birds and hear their songs. Most days we have a hot breakfast. Nadia says one of her favorite things about winters is my bringing her a hot breakfast or hot choc in bed.

We make lots of crafts around the holidays which adds to the smells which feel cozy. Nadia says just the smell of beeswax makes her happy and reminds her of winter seasons past. Can you tell she's sentimental like me? We switch from year to year what we do. I try to make some of our gifts at Christmas homemade though not nearly as much as I did when Ike and Nadia were little. Poor Francesca hasn't even had one doll or dress made for her (oh the guilt). We always make candles and gingerbread houses.

I try to cook one big meal most days. Lately because of the teens and Chris's schedule I usually plan our big meal for lunch. We make lots of bread and home baked goods. There is a reason I gain weight every winter.

I wish I could say I made evening super cozy but I don't I'm usually petering out by then.... Usually we are reading or watching something and then a simple bedtime prayers routine then bed. We do try to have cookies coming out of the oven most nights when Chris comes home. We make lots of batter and only cook in small fresh batches (this has helped a lot because in the olden days when I tried to fill the cookie jar they just ate them all stat) through the week. I try to make sure the Christmas lights,candles and tree is lit so he feels cozy when he gets home usually 8 or 9pm. I warm up our room with candles and turn on the electric blanket to warm up the covers before we get in, all things to feel cozy.

I try to have green things growing, forcing bulbs is one of my favorite winter things. It lets me feel a bit of the outside inside. I love how they smell of spring and give me a bit of hope. We try to and try is the optimal word here I hate the cold. We try to get outside as much as possible seems to help a lot. I really should make it outside every day but I can't always find the willpower.

So there you have my survival guide for the sun loving outside person during winter. And honestly if you are thinking I'm trying to be a bit Martha Stewartish here don't even... you haven't seen my clutter I'm no Martha. Anyone who knows me knows this :) The older I'm getting the more I see that killing myself to clean isn't what I want my kids to remember. I'm not great at being organized so what... big deal :)

Francesca looking at old photos of me. "It's hard to imagine you looked like that!" .... thanks.... LOL!

My sister VickyMy brothers Sean and Sonny at my wedding
my sister Margie,Dad and I
My Grandmother who I still miss sooooo much!

Hideous picture of me but I love it because I miss this body!!!!

Hope for today, look up,look ahead

Look up
Matt 11 tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest.Walk with me & work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me & you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Got to love God, he is so much more then people represent him as.



What I are going through today, this season in my life is temporary, it will be finished some day. I don't have to work as if there will never be an end. There is hope in every season. I need to look ahead to keep plowing through the icky stuff,envision the possible futures. My favorite envision is to just be before God with him,worshiping him. Probably my favorite Christian song is I can only imagine (link below) . When I sing that song I see that day and it always moves my soul with strength,hope,peace. It is going to be glorious....



Look ahead

Heb 12 Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

camping

Sorry another post without pictures I'm going to really try to upload some I swear.
We are back from camping. It was a lovely time. The camp ground we went to we had not been there in years. We've camped other places for quite a few years now. But when we were young and married we went there every year for weeks at a time. The camp ground was local so Chris could continue to work while I camped with the kids. A lot of our friends did the same in fact we always found someone we knew camping the same time as us,usually unplanned. So we always had company which was great. Not so anymore.... most of our friends only had two maybe three kids and now they are all teens ,no one really camps anymore. We have had weekends that we've had planned camping trips with friends but that's it.

I felt very much the passing of time. Walking by the camp site we camped when Nadia was two weeks old and we kept her in a dresser drawer,swimming in the pond we used to waterski day after day in,seeing the beach where my brother Sonny drove our boat onto the beach(long story) ,remembering all the good times with good friends... It was bittersweet ,lovely.

Funny thing is we rented a cabin... I remember mocking my in-laws when they were our age about the cabin vs. tent isn't really camping. I'm happy to have a bed to snuggle in at night,I would gladly never tent camp again! Ike and Nadia shared my sentiments!

People did not seem as friendly as they once were. I only met one friendly southern lady and a gentleman who like to travel from campsite to campsite finding work as he went. He seemed so lonely,he made me sad. Everyone else seemed like they wanted to be left alone.

We spent most of our days swimming. It was chilly but mostly ok. We found a rope swing and a HUGE rock to jump off of. I almost fell off the rock and removed quite a bit of my skin on my derriere,ouch! Even Ollie did better jumping then I did. I'm so glad the younger kids are swimming so well so they could jump. I was so tired every night we never made it back to star gaze (the older kids went),I regret that. Our old house had a fantastic open field and we would often lay out there just watching the stars. We almost never do that now.

We gave Ike and Nadia their first car red convertible la baron and they got it on the road this week. It was fun whizzing around in a convertible. My first car was a retired police cruiser not nearly as cool but it did have fantastic pick up and a great spotlight.
So that is it nothing exciting. :)

We've been having to much fun to post

Yesterday was our first day doing fall stuff. Did a bit of cleaning (House slowly descends into dinginess as we are just having too much fun in sun) It's my policy to enjoy life specially in summer. I decided that a long time ago when my Grandmother talked about how she would stay home cleaning,playing catch up when my Grandfather would invite her to go driving with him. Sometimes she would say yes and leave everything and she wished she had said yes more often. She said she would have, if she had known he would die so young.... Live like we're dying I'm actually thinking of stenciling Live like we're dying in one of our rooms. It's so easy to get caught up in things that just do not matter.

So that was bad ,cleaning I hate it but it really hit me later in the day that fall has arrived,when we went to the beach. When I saw the lifeguard stands gone from the beach, I just felt so sad.... I love summer it's my favorite season. Nadia and the kids made me feel better talking about how they are looking forward to fall and the yummy food I make. I don't cook inside all summer. We eat a lot of grilled food and I cook everything even things like rice outside on the grill. The kids all had their lists of food they are looking forward to and it did make me feel a bit cozier about fall.

Sebastian could live solely off my home mac and chez (it's spicy not the normal mac) he always chows when I make it which is usually a couple of times a week. Nadia was looking forward to waking up with me bringing her pancakes in bed. It's funny you do all these things for kids over and over again. You don't get much feedback then it's like they slam you with the love. I felt warm and cozy when they were talking. So I went home and we had our first fall meal oven fried chicken and homemade mac. It was yummy no wonder I gain so much weight every winter!!

I'll try to get back here sometime soon with pic from our summer
LOL Ollie just brought me breakfast in bed. My left over chicken, an apple, and choc cake....

Day 6 I'm grateful for

my husband. He still can make my stomach drop,just thinking about him even after almost 20 years. I love that I knew him when he couldn't even grow a beard and now his beard is coming in with bits of white. There is something special about the touch of someone you have loved for a very long time. Marriage is always changing as we change and yet still the same. I like that we have moments where I feel our souls are truly one as corny as it sounds. Like today just lying next to him in the sunshine I felt so content, I'm so blessed to have him. Now if only I could repeat this post in my head the next time I feel like killing him!!!!!